wow! where did the time go? i was just starting out on the journey of a lifetime (the beginning of my clinical year) and now, it's the holiday season and almost time to welcome in the next year. clearly, there has been a bit of a gap between my last posting and today (arrgghh, a over a month has passed by). i actually have several drafts written up, but have been unsure of how much of my personal experience to share.
the past three months of clinicals have been exciting and i have learned so much that i barely even know where to begin to describe it all. that said, i will give a shot of at least giving a glimpse of me learning about the medical system, humanity and my tiny space in it all. i really expected the exams, diagnosing and treating part of my experience to be the most difficult - and it has definitely been challenging, but what has challenged me more though is the trust building aspect of the patient-provider relationship. i had thought that with my background working with different populations, often underserved, in education, counseling, and agriculture that i would find building relationships easier than what i've come to experience.
there are power dynamics in these patient/provider relationships that are difficult to navigate. trusting the patient, having the patient trust me, finding compassion for everyone equally - these are difficult in the confines of a 20-40 minute visit when a patient is in pain or sharing some of his/her innermost concerns. am i providing a space where the patient can really confide what is the issue? i, at times, feeling like i am sizing up a patient - i am being told the truth or manipulated? why is the patient REALLY here in this office? when do i share information? what information do i share, what information do i withhold? how do i inform/educate the patient? do i address big underlying issues, such as poor nutrition, obesity, smoking, alcohol abuse, need for exercise... or do i just treat the cough (or whatever acute issue is being addressed) and sometimes offer a pill? and the big fear of mine... what if i miss something???? what if i say something wrong, give wrong advice, interpret something wrong, say something insensitive when i miss clues provided by the patient?
thank heavens i've had folks to debrief the days with. i am inherently a very reflective person and tend to spend too much time wondering/worrying about possible mistakes made or why someone pushed my buttons or i pushed theirs. add to all this, negotiating cross-cultural waters. i should probably give a HUGE shout out (thanks) to all the providers, social workers, nurses, techs, and everyone else at the clinic who offer guidance and who assist me in navigating these waters and hopefully, are watching carefully so that i don't fail my patients.
and now, here i am in port angeles, wa sipping coffee, writing a disjointed post to my blog, looking forward to digging out the inside of a quinzee later today (photos to come)... basically, re-energizing for the new year and the rest of my life to come.
in closing, all that come's to mind is... it's all good. somehow, no matter what happens - if we're conscious and compassionate, we grow and we find love, then truly, it becomes apparent over again and again that it's all good.
peas to all my homeskillets out there. may you all have the merriest of holidaze.
**what a crazy freakin' post. they don't call me the "shiny objects girl" for nothing, i guess.